You can’t help noticing that Easter is very close. While religiously it may only a holiday for Christians, it has become a part of the American culture. No matter your religion, your children see the Easter bunny at the mall, the assorted candies at the store, and the egg hunts around town. The traditions vary when you get to each household, but the excitement and anticipation for the kids, especially the young ones, is universal. Unfortunately for divorced parents, Easter also presents another holiday divided. Some dads will be with their kids on Easter and others will not. For me, this is not my year with them. We had an “early” dinner last night, I gave them a few small gifts, and then they went to their mom’s for this holiday.
I don’t look forward to this Easter morning. Kris Kristofferson wrote the lyrics to one of my favorite songs several decades ago entitled “Sunday Morning Coming Down.” Many artists have recorded it, so you have many versions for your choice. I’m partial to Johnny Cash’s recording. The lyrics that always come to mind are “There’s nothing short of dying, half as lonesome as the sound of a sleeping city sidewalk Sunday morning coming down.” The lonesome Easter Sunday waking up in an empty house I think is just as lonesome. I’ve had a few hangover Sundays in my younger days and remember the down feeling. To me, without a doubt, the haunting quiet of an empty holiday house is far worse, especially when the sounds of what was still ring in your ears.
A recurring theme from me is to minimize the looks backwards. I try to keep my own thoughts grounded, recommend it often to my divorcing and divorced friends, and devoted a section in the Solo Fathers book series to the point. These lonely holidays, though, make it especially hard to keep your eyes forward, or better yet in the now. As this is a solo Easter for me this year, I am with all my brothers that will awaken to the sad silence on Sunday. All of us will struggle to not let our thoughts linger in the past opening ourselves up to regret, yearning, and sadness.
Regardless of your faith, Easter symbolizes a time of rebirth and renewal. As our thoughts fall in line with the sad theme of the song, we can work to shift our gaze forward. After all, as the saying goes, you can never really go home. Trips back into places and events we remember with fondness never are the same, no matter how hard we try. No matter how hard we regret, we will never wake again by our ex in the household of old on these mornings.
Instead, we have to focus on the next chapter. I have been in the military longer than I have not, but I was not raised in the military. A good friend who was, though, described his childhood as chapters, divided by each duty station. He was happy with his childhood and loved remembering each chapters, even the sad ones. I always liked that and my memories after joining the military are also organized that way. The pre-divorce life is the last chapter. The one ahead is for me to define. Your next chapter is yours. You may or may not have had much to say about how the last one ended, but you are the owner of the next chapter.
We can relish in the good memories just as we can any from our past. Rather than becoming stuck in regret and what-if loops that produce no good, focus instead on what you want to be the highlight, the sound bite, the trailer of the next chapter for you and your children.
Everyone custody and visitation arrangement are different. We all hold the power to direct our energy where we can control. Your next chapter is yours to define. This season of rebirth is yours and your family’s. The sadness will not go away, but we can stop the spiral by enjoying the past, not regretting it. Are there passions or hobbies you couldn’t put much effort towards in the last chapter? You have time now. There are usually a few openings on the golf course during Easter! Think of your next time with your kids and how you plan to make that special for them and you.
You aren’t alone this solitary holiday. We just ended up with some single holidays sooner than we may have imagined. But all parents will have to learn someday how to close that chapter and move forward when their children are gone. We can’t change the timing of our chapter change. But we can control the beginning of the next one.
Solo Fathers 